me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
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One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.