Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
You Might Also Like
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
All set.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Just a phase…
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.