You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
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Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
#Caturday
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look