Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
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I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*