Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
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I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.