Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
![]()
You Might Also Like
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir