Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
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I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Everything reminds me of my ex
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.