It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
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kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Xylophonist Shredding It
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.