receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
awesome draft from months ago i just found
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Body by cheese-puffs.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him