Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
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There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Why are bridges so flammable.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
cause of death:
autopsy.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.