When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
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*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Free him
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.