A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
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Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.