If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.