Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: