Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
incredible text to wake up to
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.