Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
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“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Friday night party time 🥳
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.