[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
kids play hide and seek like
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times