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[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
The human personality is made of five key elements
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Always
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time