I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I have so many questions.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.