[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.