Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
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As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.