Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

This pepper has seen some shit

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow