Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
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Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
HOW DARE YOU
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!