One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Sing it!
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
SCARY COSTUME
if a cop pulls u over play dead
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters