One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
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Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
me: he won’t listen to us
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.