One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”![]()
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
![]()
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.