*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
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Super Hand Dog Face
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.