Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
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Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.