@swiftenhaal

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

You Might Also Like

@kelkulus

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

@UncleDuke1969

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

@iwearaonesie

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

@djdarrellripley

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

@TuSoonShakur

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

@LostFelicia

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

@MichaelTrying

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

@rusty_coach

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo