Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

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My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.


Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.


my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?


Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.


The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it


And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.


Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.


The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo