Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
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[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I’m a bad influence on myself.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?