MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat