Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
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Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??