Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
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hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Shower sex be like:
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.