yes, those are my real potatoes.
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My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
courtroom exchange of the day
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.