Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
ok like just. call me at this point
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder