ok like just. call me at this point
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Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…