Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
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A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
inventing words: clothing
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.