My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.