*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
You Might Also Like
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.