life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
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Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.