Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
You Might Also Like
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.