“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
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them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I’m crying im so happy for them
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.