first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
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fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Something Saturday.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14