I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
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Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Crying is a sign of leakness.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!