Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
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[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Worth remembering.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Is this you?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.