You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
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#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
*pokes sex life with a stick
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”