@aveuaskew

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

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@darksidedeb

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

@subtweetopath

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

@meganamram

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

@LebenskunstIer

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

@LuvPug

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

@Rollinintheseat

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

@writerPT

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

@dog_feelings

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

@FeverFlave

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

@slooberbie

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.