“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”



It’s inflation

“I hate you”

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Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?


[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.


Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman


There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.


“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive


My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.


My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.


the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty


You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.


One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.