My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
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Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Every damn time
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.