(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
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Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”