(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

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[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes


We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”


I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court


What do we want?
When do we want them?


Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love


Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”


Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.


Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.


if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies


I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves