@caseytduncan

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

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@funflaps

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

@RowdyBowden

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

@AndyAsAdjective

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

@FormerHumorist

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

@IvoryGazelle

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

@adamzopf

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

@SonOfCha

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

@mattewe02

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

@pleatedjeans

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves