Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
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I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please