me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Sunday
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit