[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Me too door. Me too.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.