Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
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[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.