The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.