My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
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This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.